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Help me find my Wai

From helping you to find your voice to finding my own...

Unapologetically Me............

Hi I’m Nicola Chan and I interview people on the radio (91.8 Hayes fm) so that they can share their stories to help people listening at home. I've always been inspired to do this. I've always been inspired by a story myself because stories, interviews and books have helped me in the past to know that I am not alone. When you feel like you are the only one, hearing someone else’s story, how they suffered like you are suffering, how they overcame it, can really give you hope. Hearing someone else’s voice speak the words only you know in your head, the comfort is unimaginable. Imagine not being able to express yourself, having your voice taken, not being your true self, in-authentic. Always changing how you look to meet the approval of others, always checking how you speak, it is landing well, is it eloquent enough, am I being judged for my opinions am I worthy to speak at all. This is SUPRESSION. Not being able to ask for what you need, not feeling worthy of fullfillment. Being a pleaser, doing for others, to the detriment of your own health. Serving others, satisfying others, checking if their needs are being met above your own. I thought this was love. I also thought it was parenting. As much as I’ve done this to myself, It has been done to me. Or I subconsciously allowed this into my life. Either way, the truth is, I have felt Suppression for most of my life. I have been the little Mermaid, my voice stolen and my true authenticity and identity stolen too. I facilitate others to share their stories to help you. Today, I share my story to help me. I am 0-7 years old and my values and beliefs are engraved into my core. I am 3 years old and my dad breaks down the front door, I am careless and reckless and I make my dad angry as I learn, He hurts my mum in front of me and I wonder one day will it be my turn. I struggle to understand my family are mixed race, I agree with the bullies I have an ugly Chinese face. My Chinese family’s way of communicating are let’s say somewhat. Unique, I have no confidence with them, so I get my sister to speak. She literally speaks for me as I whisper in her ear. If they speak to me directly I cower behind her in fear. I learn that love is tough, violent and cruel. I was told I was too skinny by a boy I fancied in school. I long to be like my sister, she has confidence and friends As I grow and learn this stuff, it becomes the filters to my lens. The world I now see is dangerous and everyone is against me. I then suffer in the hands of a violent man, he sexually abuses and rapes me. I now lose my voice completely, I am worthless in this life. With this I seek unkind men who treat me like a domestically abused wife. To save me, I need someone to love me, I am now a pregnant Child. As I hold the love of my life in my arms, she looks at me and smiled. For the next few years she saved me but suffered with me emotional turmoil. I can’t communicate in relationships, her dad makes my blood boil. I drink, like they drank, like we all drink to ease the pain. I have depression, anxiety now and counselling but again, I am suppressed, I have global hysterics I can’t breathe and I can’t talk. I finally gain the strength to leave and with my Daughter we walk… To avoid my emotions once again, I turn into a pleaser, this is but yet just chapter 1, and stay with me here’s your teaser….. Chapter 2 I’m 23 and I marry a stable man who loves me. He loves me, he calms me for this stage in my life we were definitely meant to be. He’s soft to me, almost feminine and he allows me to grow. He supports me through the next stage where my Eating Disorder leads me to a Body Building Show. We spend 16 years together but what you reap you will sow. We build houses on no foundations and I eventually must go. Chapter 3, I’m in my 30’s and I am spiritually awake. I leave my husband and I change my life for the better for Goodness sake! My family don’t understand me and again I can’t speak up. How can they ever truly know how deep the rabbit hole goes? Hey listen this is a rhyme and if you are still with me thank you I hear how depressing it sounds but really this is true… Ladies, my tale is not dissimilar to yours I’m sure, we must stand strong and know ourselves and be confident and hold your breath because there’s more.… Since my eyes were awoken to the fact that Body Image is all an illusion. it’s all a big fucking society lie. Now let me clear up some confusion. From a young age, I was taught that women were less than men, from teenage years my attacker showed me men do as they please with women. That our bodies are there for their enjoyment and we don’t have a say. Then society and media said you are fat and ugly they still do to this day! Women, we are good enough, unchanged, imperfect and without your approval. Love yourself in your own skin, tell Instagram hump days to fuck off, now, removal removal, removal... Previously I woke up a victim to the above Gory. Today I wake up empowered, in my own shoes and own my fucking story. I cannot be judged anymore, because I don’t judge myself. I don’t hate my body, I don’t feel unworthy of love and I take care of my own health. In forgiving myself and letting things be, I surrendered to the Universe and I became unapologetically me!

Do you do your job for money or love?

So I've been asked to be a guest blogger over on fellow Snapchatter Karen @blissbakery blog site. It's all about love for the month of Feb. (Yankedoodlepaddy) When I think about LOVE as many of us do, I think about relationships first. Intimacy, sexual love and then I think about family love and my relationship with my daughter. We are two firey passionate woman (shes now 20) and we have a strong but unstable relationship. *I'm working on this... all things can't be solved at once. I then think to my body and how much I love my body esp after all the years I've hated her. The once destructive relationship I had with her i was able to forgive her and her me and we are now at peace and balance and acceptance. Next I think about my job.. I teach fitness and I coach people in a nut shell. But really....what I do is facilitate change so that people can find love, be in love and accept love which = happiness. Ask anyone the 7 layers deep question of "WHY" and the highest positive intention of why they do what they do is to find HAPPINESS! I.e. why do you want to lose weight, or run that marathon, or get that job... layers and layers of EGO, so I look good, so I am worthy, so I can be somebody etc.... keep asking why and the final answer is = happiness. Being a facilitator of love and happiness fills me with joy! I wake up excited in the morning for my day. I am grateful for yesterday and I look forward to tomorrow. During the sessions PT/class or coaching. In am in flow. I am present. I am there for my people/client/members.. I do it with love. I am the 'prosperus coach' (a very good book 1 of my fav's if you haven't read it) However one thing is missing.... The prosperity in terms of money... Show me the Money! money = energy I'm going to be honest here because there's a reason I am not a money coach. There is a reason I won't tell you my 7 steps to get rich or get more clients. Because I am on that journey myself. All coaches are on journeys we need coaches too. I can help you with relationships, attracting a partner, lover, learning to love your body, letting go of the past, overcoming eating issues etc etc I am confident and competent. I have served many clients this way and I am good at what I do. On each of our journeys we have lessons to learn. Whenever you hit a bump in the road. Be grateful. It's a lesson you need to learn at the level you are at so you can reach the next level. I am about to be catapulted to the next level, I am in an elastic band and in order to accelerate forward I am being pulled back to clear up something I didn't learn, some limiting beliefs and blocks I have around the subject of money (stay with me, on the edge of your seat just as I am in this elastic band. Can you feel the excitement? Anticipation?.. I can!) I am so grateful about this place I'm in and I'm enjoying these lessons and now I can ask for the money, "show me the money" Like literally universe.... "show me the money" Money is energy and law of reciprocity means when you give energy you revieve energy in exchange. If you receive a gift you feel indebted until you reciprocate. It even goes as far as when you get a voice note... you reciprocate with a voice note (go on, try it...I dare you.. you'll see). So I am continuing to give love and Energy and I now I understand that I deserve money, that I am worthy and with money I can serve mode people. I am in positive vibration for money. Now...i let go! Ive done the work. I let go of the outcome. I trust the Universe and now i fly through the air from this force of elastic resistance change of direction. I am going forward with almighty force.... See you on the other side With love.. xxxx

."Dear body. We've had a strained relationship. I've hated you, I've punished you, I've deprived you of food, I've stuffed you with food or poisoned you with Alcohol. I've been on self destruct mode hurting you everytime someone hurts me as a coping mechanism.. i've even hurt you myself internationally. My bruises are a status symbol of how much in can endure. I appreciated you only when I've been pregnant as I've been the Devine feminine that I am inside. Outside of this I've been in Masculine...go hard or go home. Don't be a pussy, suck it up, push harder, get stronger, go go GO!! Militant mode. Uuggghh I even think I enjoy those things as I type them.. this is going to be harder than I think. (Hense why I am writing this) Ok so Body what I really want to say is, I'm sorry. I love you and you are beautiful just as you are. I have been training my Ego not training You and I'm going to stop. I'm going to let go and surrender to what you can currently do in the gym. I am going to be grateful for your skills, endurance and fitness! I will give up the strength training (or what I called "My" training, as if my classes aren't also training my body) I will sacrifice my pride if my clients can lift more than I can. I'm the one who can't walk down the stairs forward facing like a normal human being! There's no point lifting heavy if i can't do life. Gym was meant to aid a better life, not fuel an Ego, score points, get admiration and then go home and can't even walk! I'm sorry body, can we make peace. Can I take care of you and lose the care about what other people are doing with their bodies..I need you to last a lifetime. Please forgive me. I love you"

It's already on it's way..

My shoulders are full of tension and my mind swirling like a washing machine. The moment I disconnect from distractions my emotions burst into the screen. Nothing makes any sense as I convers ate my way through all of the options. Listing, Ordering, Pro’ing and Con’ing. My ideas like a running Spider diagram, am I really back at this place wondering who I am? I’m eternally falling down the rabbit hole now I know the real world isn’t real, I consider myself conscious Alice, so why do I still numb how I feel? Maybe it’s not a problem, maybe that’s just how everyone else lives their lives. But I need to be able to sit in silence, block out the noise, be comfortable in the blackness when I close my eyes. Then really falling down the rabbit hole was just one level of awakening most don’t even take. And I’m now looking for the next level with urgency like “I’m late”, “I’m late”, “I’m late”!’ There never was a rush to be here I can connect the dots looking back. I can see each lesson and learning and realise I was never really in lack. So, If my life is abundant and I know all I ever needed to know, I don’t have to hurry for Fear of Missing Out and I can just watch as one dot runs the show. One dot, in a time line of dots attracted to eachother without rush, trying or force. I am in the right place, taking inspired action and surrendering to the Universe. AND I forgive myself, I forgive myself for falling asleep at the wheel, for failing to think. For forgetting it all and relaxing into my next drink. I am tempted by wanting more, I am curious Alice ready to explore I find contentment in very few ways, Maybe my kind of meditation is to write like back in the old days.. So you see as I write the answers spill out from this pen, if I want to be healed, If I want a cure.. The answer is to be content with LESS, and stop seeking MORE. Spend no money, use the resources I already have, save up, dream don’t DO, if you allow it will come to you, Stay in the NOW and remember the “Just for today….” And in doing so, the life you dream of is already on it’s way. It’s already on it’s way.

For my Teenage Mums

Labelled a teen Mum

When given the Label of a "Teen Mum" what do you get is a casting of judgements about what type of a Mum you'll be, almost from the very get go, You are deemed a failure, you'll never amount to anything, you'll never have a job, you'll always rely on benefits, you'll never be a someone. You'll probably have more and more kids, you'll lose all your friends, your partner will leave and you will end up a single mum. When labelled a "Mum" you are expected to perform a certain job, that job is graded on how you compare to other mums, which mum holds it together best, which mum has the tidiest house, which mum holds down a job but is also there to pick up her kids on time, does all the home work and afterschool activities, makes dinners, has friends over, drives her kids to activities or friends house. Is basically on call for daily pursuits, on call for daily emotions and on call for daily abuse if her kid decides to take out their frustration on the world on their nearest and dearest person. This mum also has to be well groomed, not embarrassing to kids friends, a good wife and not have any activities of her own. She cries in the shower so no-one sees her emotions and he is on the surface a Super Woman. The more labels we allow ourselves to be consumed by, the harder we try to not be like or be like what we think people expect of us. What our kids expect of us. For me I tried to not be the "Teen Mum" and I desperately wanted to be the "Super Mum". However the more I worked, the less I saw my daughter, the busier I got, the less she liked me. Maybe I wasn't meant to be liked by her at all, maybe I was meant to be a regimented Mum, who demanded respect and Army styled our way through disciplining the high school years. But each Mum is different, just like each child is different, so what works for 1 child doesn't work for another. people are different. I wanted to be an open and honest family, one where we can talk about anything.. The thing to remember here is that we are all people, no matter the label, we don't get to abuse someone just because they are our "Mum". We don't get to use someone because it's our right to because we are their flesh and blood. What we get to do is choose how we behave. We need to respect people, respect ourselves and set boundaries on what is acceptable and what isn't. I discovered the true meaning to "Blood is thicker than water" the other day.. blood spilled by men in battle is thicker than the water in the womb. i.e just because someone is your flesh and blood does not give them a stronger bond with you than someone you met and went to war with. Most likely that soldier will work harder for your love and respect to and not see it as a given. It's hard to understand our parents until we are one. It's hard to see how much they love our siblings they must have also loved us that way, it's hard to admit when you are wrong and to apologies. BUT life is hard. Every day we get another opportunity to do the right thing. Not every post has a happy ending my friends, no one is having a perfect life. Being aware, learning and growing is what Personal Development is about. Doing the best you can with the resources you have/d at the time. That's OK.

 

Discipline

Discipline. You may think it's easier for someone to be disciplined in fitness if they were bought up doing martial arts? May be so.. But if you are disciplined in fitness you can use the same strategy to be disciplined with your money/time/housework/studies etc Most of us have problems we talk about as if it effects our whole life's, it becomes out identity. Ie I am not organised I'm never motivated I am not disciplined Etc etc When in actual fact our problems we don't necessarily 'DO' ALL the time. Just some of the time. And if we know how to do it some of the time, we can elicit the same strategy to do it all of the time. Or at least with the areas we want to use it.

I like big butts and I cannot lie....

Butts 🍑 Apparently Wednesday is national hump day so in light of this, here's a cheeky 😉post about Mindset. How many times have you heard yourself saying "I want to go for that job BUT I'm not good ebough"? "I want to ask her out, BUT I'm sure she's far too busy"? "I would like to dye my hair pink BUT I'm just not brave enough" All of these BUT's keeping us from what we want to achieve. So today, be aware of your cheeky but's and swap them for words like 'AND', 'BECAUSE'. Choose your words, choose your life. After all it's yours no body else's. Have a fantastic hump day 🍑

The night time cool air....

The night time cool air hits my skin like a flood of emotion. I sit by the open window looking at the night sky. I breath in fresh air and feel contentment about the choices I've made since I was last here. I can still see me and Jason (a fellow student of NLP master practitioners course) doing bear crawls over the freezing grass in the snow. Hearing distant laughs and pants of exhaustion. Remembering puffs of smoke leaving our mouths as the cold air hit our enthusiastic lungs. I can still envision the old curious me in love with her husband and wondering where this journey will take us..take me. I came here on a mission to find myself. To help myself and to help others. Unconscious about my own problems that needed attention. The path of least resistance is to assume we are ok and help everyone else. I thought I was here to become a coach. Until my master trainer told me, help yourself first. Be the client. Experience the therapy and then see where you'll be. I never understood this but just like mr miagi tells Daniel son to wax on and wax off, he also doesn't see the bigger picture. You only see when you are ready to see and when the student is ready the teacher appears. All of these quotes previously seen but not heard like an old book read for the second time. The meaning the first time was lost. The second time up The penny drops. The people here changed my life, the lessons I learnt from them and the connection we experienced are indescribable. They are my NLP family. This home away from home I literally came here and shut the world away. I turned off my phone like I often did when I was away from my husband. Yearning for freedom and expression and passion and excitement. I seeked so much out of life but life was mediocre. I knew there was more out there I could feel it. I often sat at Windows, staring at the sky. standing in the sea looking out, running around the forest..running away knowing the trees where my friends. The only ones who knew my true emotions. Trapped, challenged and unconcious. Everyone on my course changed together, I wrote down all of the books they recommended, followed all of the spiritual leaders and over the year I continued my journey by researching each and every one of those bits of information. I had no idea that change would be so good. I feared change and I feared being alone. Until one day I felt strong enough to love myself for myself and to be by myself and I asked for a divorce. I booked myself a Burlesque course to piece together my body image puzzle and show myself I am ok. I am alright. I am feminine and sexy AND it has nothing to do with a man. A man once stole my identity along with my femininity, and left me with shame and guilt about being myself as if I was wrong, broken and undeserving. It was time to take back my power. When I wasn't even looking for him I met the man of my dreams who makes me feel like a Goddess. A man who has every quality i would ever wish for in a partner. Strong yet vulnerable. Masculine, successful, creative, spiritual, whole, authentic, intelligent, Genuine, caring and kind. And most of all funny, crazy and just as much a weirdo as I am! He stayed here too with me on my next course and we told eachother we loved eachother. I've never shared anywhere meaningful to me with anyone. I haven't wanted too. I like being a loner, I like my own company and if I ever felt chained down, controlled or unfree I'd rebel. This time I'm the perfect balance of free and connected all at once. I want to share everything with him. Including letting down my barriers and letting love in. I'm feeling reflective as I lie here, (now on the bed) And I wonder what will come of this next journey, becoming a hypnotherapist and in 2 days performing in my first UK burlesque show troupe. But I know the possibilities are endless. This work/therapy/coaching is powerful and gives you the tools to change your life. I have unlimited self belief that I have the power to achieve anything I want now. I know it's true. I can be anything I want to be! I didn't even know I was lost and coaching helped me find my wai. Let me facilitate you find yours. Www.findmywai.com

This year of the dog was all about change

2018 the year of the dog on the Chinese calendar 

It's my year this year as I was born in 1982 which means it's my prosperous and creative year of change. The time to take Action and start having fun in life. 

 

2 years ago after my friend and co-host of the tv series fithappens died of cancer I was reminded how quickly life can vanish and it gave me some urgency on my own life. One of the things Keith taught me was to 'live life to the fullest' and so I began my Personal Development journey. 

 

"If you don't go within, you go without" 

 

Once I trained up as an NLP coach and started coaching clients I was very aware that the clients that sat in front of me reflected my own 'shadows'. It is so true that the world always gives us a mirror to see ourselves.

 

In my mirror was negative unfullfilling  relationships, and an unhappy marriage.

 

A year later, I completed my Master practitioner course which includes my own Time Line Therapy and I went through a lot of healing and growth.

 

I left feeling like a changed woman. Fearless. Not bound by the confides of my own mind..a deep understanding that my limitations were not real and that I really could create a magical fullfuilling and refreshing life! 

 

I love that word.. 'refreshing'. 

 

I challenged my old belief system including how I felt about Marriage, what I really valued and believed in (not what I was led to believe by society and my upbringing) and I put pen to blank paper to write my next chapter. 

 

My next chapter involved the break up of my marriage, if not now, then when?. There is only NOW. My life was waiting for me. As soon as I had the courage to break up this relationship law of attraction bought someone new into my life and I fell in love with a man who I now share a deep concsious relationship. 

 

The rest of the year so far has been about nourishing my foundations, clearing up and redecorating my home. It now feels like a home. And embracing my feminine "surrendering" energy. Allowing life to...just be. Acceptance, forgiveness (as you can imagine a family break up is difficult for the whole family and extended family). I've learnt a lot of lessons the hard way. I also have compassion and learnt how to give unconditional love. 

 

Now my foundation, my roots are growing nicely I can embrace my Masculine energy and get back to writing, speaking and studying as the journey continues....... 

 

This year of the dog, I most definitely found my Wai.

 

Will you be open to having some help to help you find yours? 

 

With love Nicola x

Does your decision feel light or heavy?

Does your decision feel light or heavy? I have felt guilt about letting go of my relationship especially because i thought it would last forever. I have felt like a failure. I failed at marriage...marriage is for life I thought. I once believed in something which I no longer do. I changed. I have been judged by people who looked at the picture perfect marriage but didn't see the cracks in that picture. People who think you can just work through anything. However you can't change other people, you can only change yourself. Making the decision to leave is never easy, it actually takes courage, strength and respect for yourself and your partner. Feeling all those fears above and doing it anyway. Many stay in that relationship just because of these fears and because of the fear of being alone. Fears of finances, hassle of splitting possessions, organising childcare etc etc... so many 'convenient' reasons to stay but non of them love or respect. For me the fact that I was in indecision meant I'd already made a decision but I'd not taken action. Listening to my intuition, my body yearned for freedom. I valued freedom over security. Suddenly my whole life felt insecure. But, Having a marriage, having a job, a house. Non of these things really make us secure. We can't rely on materials and we cant rely on other people to make us feel secure. The definition of feeling insecure means we feel vulnerable and inferior. To feel secure we need to feel safe and protected. I believe we can find this through unconditional self love. Surrender and trust. Trust myself that if I end up alone, I'll be ok. If I end up lost, I'll find my way... Today I have freedom. Freedom of choice, freedom to choose to stick around those people who judged me or to find new people. Freedom to express myself. Freedom to feel the fear and choose to do it anyway. Freedom to be myself. Freedom to eat in a way I think fuels my body and my soul Freedom to dance stupidly in the kitchen to cheesy music. Freedom to stay up in the night when i cant sleep and make deep emotionally charged posts such as this. There are no rules. I get to decide. Does this 'thing' feel heavy or light? Enjoy tuning in because you have all the answers Even as a coach I merely facilitate you to find your own WAI